Adam Croasdell: October 2012

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Bienvenido ¡Oh Majestuoso Personaje!

"¡Oh Majestuoso Personaje, Tú te aproximas a

mi corazón saturado de gozo! Los diamantes de

mis sueños rotos, ocultos por largo tiempo en

la oscuridad, resplandecen ante el destello de

Tu visita.

Mi arrobado ser irreprimiblemente entona

silenciosos cánticos de alabanza.

Acepta las guirnaldas de bienvenida que he

hecho con las inmarcesibles flores de mi

devoción."

de "Susurros de la Madre Eterna"

de Paramahansa Yogananda

Monday, October 29, 2012

"Blue and Divine: Little Krishna"

Shelter

You have probably gathered that Family Beans haven't moved house yet. If you've been following the saga, we accepted an offer on our flat back in March, when I was just 12 weeks pregnant. In April we had our offer on a family house in Kent accepted, and the aim was for both the sale and purchase to be completed by the end of June. Sounds pretty straightforward doesn't it? And having bought two properties and sold one before, I had every hope things would progress smoothly.

Well, suffice to say that didn't exactly happen and now here we are in October - about to start all over again. Our buyer pulled out of buying our flat a couple of weeks ago, just days before we were set to exchange and complete contracts. The buyer has been incredibly slow and unreliable, so earlier in the process the Boy and I fully anticipated problems. But when we had got to the point where we had all spent money - our buyer spending over £1k on a very detailed survey of our flat! - we were optimistic the transaction would be closed off successfully.

I was bitterly disappointed that the process collapsed. I've recently had some bad news about my Mum's health and I was very keen to be near her in Kent - I was hoping time with Lucy would be a happy distraction for her at this difficult time. We also did all our antenatal (NCT classes) in Kent and I have become very close to a couple of the girls, and was muchly looking forward to seeing more of them. It is so helpful to know other new Mums when you are just starting out as a parent. We were also both ready to move from our little flat which is bursting at the seams now with baby paraphernalia (as well as everything else we had!) and move to a proper little family house with a garden. The Boy and I had both fantasised about Lucy's first Christmas being in our first family gaff.

Having the carpet pulled from beneath us has been quite a bitter blow and it took us a moment or two to pick ourselves up. The thought of starting again and having to work viewings etc around little Lucy felt somewhat overwhelming and we needed to pause and recollect ourselves. And that we did. We've now had estate agents around, instructed one to sell the property, and we are starting again from this week. Deep breath!

The good news is that the flat has rocketed in value even since March, with the redevelopment of the area. We can now how to sell for at least £20k more than the price we agreed back then - so, I suppose every cloud has a silver lining and all that... and while we would rather not be in this position we will make the best of it. We've lost the house we were going to purchase, and we've decided now to just rent in the area we were moving to at least to begin with. We're both loathe to get stuck in a chain again, and this way as soon as we have a buyer secured we can up sticks and move. Renting means we can spend some time getting to know the area better and making sure we move to the right place. Wish us luck!

Our light

A few more pics of my beautiful baby xx

Mummydom

Lucy will be six weeks old on Thursday - as everyone warned me the time is flying by so quickly already. Every day she is changing. Physically she's grown 12cm in length since she was born (!) and in the last three weeks she's put on about 2lbs in weight. I can feel the difference when I pick her up! Her head is bigger and she is much stronger - she can turn her head from side to side and instead of snuggling into my chest like she did when she was a newborn, she pushes herself up on her arms to look around and take in her surroundings. Trust a baby of mine to be a big nosey beak! Lucy is much more alert and she's starting to show real signs of independence - enjoying time on her gym play mat, sitting in her swing, and also quiet time chilling in her Moses basket when she's had enough stimulation from Mum and Dad.

So, I've been a Mum for nearly six weeks. Blimey it's hard work! Everyone tells you that it is, but nothing can really prepare you for what it is like to have a tiny person dependent on you for their basic needs 24/7. In some ways it's the most challenging thing I've ever done - but the rewards are indeed as huge as you imagine. And as hard as it is, it is still a lot easier than doing the job I was doing before little Miss arrived! Hearing Lucy grunt or squeak from her Moses basket when she is sleeping (no one tells you how noisy babies are when they are asleep!) is enough to make my heart burst, and when she frowns at me with her big blue eyes a little piece of me melts. I can't even describe what it is like when she smiles at me...

I've felt a whole range of emotions over the last month or so in my new role as a Mum. Many I expected, but some aspects have definitely caught me by surprise. I certainly didn't imagine that I would have times when I would feel woefully inadequate and not good enough. I'm getting used to Lucy now, but at the beginning when I couldn't read what her cries meant and I didn't know how to soothe her, my confidence took a pretty big hit and there were times when I felt quite useless. I've actually been rather hard on myself - I'm used to being a success at everything I turned my hand to, and I admit to wanting to be the best Mum ever from the offset, when of course it is going to take time for us to learn how to be a family and get to know each other. I'm starting to feel now that I'm good enough - not flawless, but who is?! - and that I'm doing a good job... but that has taken some time and is only really kicking in now.

I also carried - and still do - quite a lot of anxiety. In the first few days I didn't sleep well at all, but kept looking at Lucy in her crib to make sure she was ok, and that she was breathing and so on. My paranoia that something would be wrong with her - I guess guided by my previous losses and the slightly unorthodox time I went through having her - was quite intense to begin with. I won't tell you just how many times I've put my hand on her chest when she's sleeping or my finger on the back of her neck to check her temperature - but it feels like rather a lot! I do worry that she is ok and that she is content - much more so than the Boy does. He has been very chilled out and seems to have taken our new addition in his stride. For me, as well as opening the door to a world of excitement and happiness (there are sooooo many experiences I can't wait to share with Lucy, so many things to teach her and moments to enjoy) another door has opened too - one where I worry for her health, her welfare and her happiness... I'm hopeful this will subside a little as time passes. It's already a lot less than it was a few weeks ago.

But I am also very proud of myself and how I am coping with Lucy. We have far more good and happy days than stressful ones. I've taken her on the train to Kent twice by myself and every day when the Boy is at work I take her out somewhere - anything from a walk round the block, to a local Mums group, to coffee or lunch with friends. Most days I manage to have a shower, clean my teeth, get dressed, pop some mascara on and feel a bit like the Beans of old - and these are all mini achievements that I couldn't imagine happening back at the end of September, there was one day the Boy and I didn't even eat anything until 4pm at the beginning! But it's starting to come together and I am confident that things will continue to go from strength to strength for us.

I also love seeing the Boy in his role as a Dad. He is so gentle, patient and loving with Lucy and I can see a special bond between them both really developing. Whereas I can get anxious and flustered when things don't go especially well, the Boy is calm and grounded, and is a welcome presence. He's every bit as good a Dad as he is a husband, and a best friend. I am very, very blessed indeed.