F.E.A.R.

I can see the beginnings of another fantastic morning as I write this. Our computer is right under the window of our south east facing flat and the sun is streaming through the blinds as I type, occasionally the glare catching my eye and causing me to squint at the screen. I think a trip to the park with the papers will be in order when the Boy wakes up. But that's a while off as it's only 8am now - yes, another early start for me.

I slept well, after nodding off watching the film Knocked Up last night - everything seems to be about pregnancy at the moment! But as soon as I stirred I was gripped by the anxiety which reminded me it is our scan tomorrow. I'm feeling so many emotions all at once - huge excitement to see our baby for the first time, an impatience to see that beautiful heartbeat on the screen and share that special moment with the Boy, a nagging anxiety that something will have gone wrong and there will be no baby to see, a dull trepidation that if there is a baby there it might have something wrong with it, and last - but by no means least - a concern for myself and my welfare as tomorrow I will be tested for all manner of rather unsavoury conditions, from syphilis to HIV. While I can't imagine I will test positive for anything on the (rather long!) list, I am a worrier especially about health matters, and as the scan and the tests approach, I begin to convince myself that perhaps I do have one of these conditions, after all, and my mind begins to wander to what we would do if I did...

And this I imagine is my welcome to parenthood. A friend of mine once said that you spend all your pregnancy worrying you'll lose a baby, babyhood worrying they'll stop breathing, toddler hood worrying they'll get lost or hurt themselves, school years worrying they can't do what they should be able too, teenage years worrying about what they're up to - then you worry about their house, job or spouse, and before you know it they're pregnant and you're worrying they might lose the baby...!

I hope that all goes normally tomorrow and, while I'll continue to have a little natural anxiety, that I will be able to relax and enjoy my pregnancy even more. I'm looking forward to being able to tell people our news, then I can share my thoughts and feelings more readily with friends - and I have a few friends who are pregnant now or who have recently had babies who I am keen to talk to and share their experiences. At least the waiting is almost over, and while tomorrow will be a little scary it's a really important date, and hopefully it will bring the good news and reassurance we so long for...